Most of us have done and said things we could apologise for. Maybe we did something wrong, upset someone unintentionally (or intentionally), or acted in a way that went against the rules, standards, or requirements of one of the various groups we are part of.
Maybe you can think of something right now. Maybe you want to apologise.
So this week’s blog is about how to apologise well.
A little bit of context first:
Apologies and conventions for apologising differ across cultures, so this is not the one and only answer to how to do this well. Make sure to consider the cultural context and background when apologising. This blog isn’t about the apologies we use to gain attention, e.g. ‘Excuse me,...’ or ‘Sorry…’, when you are trying to pass someone in the street or realise that you have been blocking someone's view or driveway. Instead, I will focus on the slightly larger missteps that cause upset in friendships, relationships, and at work, and I’ll share a little framework to build your apology around if you ever need one.
Here are some examples:
You cancelled plans last minute.
You spoke over or interrupted someone in conversation or a meeting at work.
You took something you thought was available for common use, but later realised it was someone’s personal item.
You accidentally missed someone off the group chat.
You thought you communicated clearly, but someone misunderstood and is upset.
Why apologise at all?
Apologies are a tool to retain and rebuild trust. They are more about the connection and the relationship with the person you are apologising to than they are about the thing you are apologising for. They are also much less about who was right and who was wrong and much more about paying attention, listening and trying to understand the other person’s perspective.
What makes a good apology?
Here are 5 simple steps:
Acknowledge the offence, clearly and specifically.
Be sincere. It may sound obvious, but an apology is better when you actually mean it. And most people will know if you don’t mean it. Your tone, your body language, your facial expressions, etc., will give you away. Be genuine.
Take responsibility - focus on what you did and avoid deflecting.
Offer to make amends. This can be a specific action, such as fixing or replacing something you broke or took.
Commit to change. If you are apologising for repeatedly doing or not doing something that upsets others, make sure you change that behaviour. You can make this specific commitment to improved future action part of your apology.
Here are a few simple examples of effective apologies:
I’m sorry I cancelled our plans last-minute yesterday. I know you were looking forward to catching up, and I let you down. I didn’t manage my time well, and that had an impact on you. I am sorry for that. I value our friendship and will make sure I can keep my commitment going forward. Can we catch up soon? What works well for you?
I’m sorry I interrupted you in the meeting. That was disrespectful, and I imagine it made you feel unheard. I am more aware of it now, and I will do my best not to do this again. I’d like you to feel like you can share your ideas.
I’m sorry I damaged your… I can see that this has really upset you. Can you help me understand what is required for me to fix this? (I am happy to pay for a replacement. - if applicable).
I’m sorry I didn’t give clear directions on this project. I see now that this has caused confusion and stress in the team. The information I provided was incomplete and made it difficult to get the work done. I take responsibility for that. Going forward, I’ll make sure to provide more clarity on what the goals and intentions are and give you all the relevant information. Thank you for being patient with me.
All these examples are effective apologies because they
Name the specific mistake
Take responsibility without making excuses
Express remorse
Offer a plan to do better or make amends
What not to do in an apology:
Make excuses instead of taking ownership
Making it about yourself. ‘I didn’t mean to.’ - could use this… as a ‘it wasn’t my intention…’
Rushing it - give the other person time to process your words and the emotion that is attached to your action for them
Apologising just to end the conversation.
Examples of ineffective apologies:
I’m sorry that you feel this way. I didn’t mean to upset you, but you were basically finished sharing your idea, and I just had to get this thought out.
I’m sorry you felt hurt by what I said, but I was just being honest. And you are too sensitive sometimes.
Sorry if there was confusion. I have been under a lot of pressure and stress lately.
Why these don’t work:
Deflect the responsibility (‘I hurt you’ vs. ‘You felt hurt.’)
Justifies the behaviour rather than owning it
Adds passive-aggressive blame (‘You are too sensitive.’)
Shifts focus to the speaker (‘I have been under stress.’ rather than the impact of the mistake.)
Choose time and place
Carefully pick the time, place, and medium of apology. Many apologies are best delivered in person or, if that is not an option, via a phone call rather than a message or an email. Allow enough time for the apology. Don’t rush it. Where apologies are needed, emotions are likely involved. People need time and space to process emotions, so rushing out an apology or squeezing it in between other commitments will likely have the opposite effect.
What to do after you have apologised
Most of us have come across people who apologise time and time again, but nothing changes. So they keep apologising for the same thing, e.g. being late, interrupting, etc., but the behaviour doesn’t change. This makes you question whether they actually meant any of the apologies. So, if you are apologising for a particular behaviour, be sure to work on changing or shifting your behaviour in the future. Otherwise, people will soon stop taking your apologies seriously.
The trap of waiting for an apology from someone else
Sometimes, more hurt is caused by waiting for someone else to apologise. You might think, ‘they should apologise to me before I speak to them again.’ The thing is, you can’t control whether or not they will choose to apologise or not. And, if you make receiving an apology a condition for you to move on, you are giving over power and control to the other person (who might not even know you are waiting for an apology in the first place.) While you wait for them to maybe apologise, you stay in the space of feeling hurt. You stay stuck.
Instead, try this:
acknowledge to yourself that you feel hurt. You don’t need someone else to validate that feeling (for more on emotions and validation, read this blog here).
Set boundaries. If someone causes you to feel hurt repeatedly, limit the amount of time and connection you have with them, and the amount of access they have to you.
Work out how you can let this go for you
What to do when someone demands an apology from you:
Often, when someone demands an apology from you, this is actually an indication that they had expectations which differed from yours. It might be worthwhile seeking clarity:
Pause, take a deep breath
Ask - ‘Can you help me understand what I said or did that upset you?’
Listen with curiosity… not compliance
You don’t have to agree with their view, and you don’t have to apologise. But you can.
Remember, the purpose of a genuine apology is to retain or rebuild connection and trust. If someone demands an apology as a power play, even your best apology won’t actually achieve that.
Instead, you can try this:
Clarify expectations.
Be explicit about the fact that you may have had different expectations of a situation and that it might be worthwhile for both/all of you to be more explicit about your expectations of each other.
Here is a simple example:
Request:
‘You owe me an apology for not including me in the conversation/group chat/planning of XYZ.’
Response:
‘I hear that you felt left out and that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t include you in the conversation/groupchat/planning of XYZ because you will be away that weekend. I understand that it might have felt uncomfortable to be out of the loop. I want to be clear on expectations going forward: I will always include people who have relevant input or direct involvement, but I will also try to keep it simple because conversations/group chats/planning can get messy and unproductive with too many people.
And last, but not least, how do you decide whether or not you need to apologise?
Clash with your values? Did what you did or said clash with your values? Not with the other person’s, but with your own.
Were you aware that what you would do or say would likely upset the other person, i.e., did you knowingly go against what the other person was likely expecting of you?
Can you sense that they are upset, but you don’t know why? And are you keen to retain trust and connection with this person? Ask them if something you did or said contributed to them being upset. This does not mean you have to apologise; this just helps you to find out what is going on.
That’s the blog for another week. Hopefully, you’ll find this useful for the next time you feel like you want to apologise. Please share it, in a non-passive-aggressive way, with anyone you think might find it useful. And, as always, I’d love to hear from you. Message me on Instagram @mankertina.
Key points:
The purpose of apologies is to retain and rebuild trust and connection. It is about the relationship with the other person, not about being right or wrong.
The more specific your apology and the more ownership you take for your behaviour, the more effective the apology will be.
You don’t have to apologise, even if someone demands it of you. You get to choose.
Reflection questions:
When was the last time you genuinely apologised? Who was it to and what was it about?
What is something you could apologise for?
Whose apology are you currently waiting for? Who do you wish would apologise to you? What can you do to let go of that and get yourself unstuck?
